Happy 1st Anniversary Kyle Husband, I love you.

Oh man this year.  

It's been full + wild.  

A million new beginnings + a world expedition

but the biggest adventure has been being married to the love of my life, kyle.

I don't want this post to be a list of all the massive changes this year brought, some of them crazy shitty, some of them crazy good.  I'm finally starting to get over the terrible things of our first year (none of them Kyle) meaning that I'm spending a lot fewer of my days curled up in a ball crying but I'm still overwhelmed pretty regularly.  I bring this up because I just pulled out the letter I wrote to Kyle when we ran off to Iceland telling him how much I love him and it starts off talking about how I was right in the middle of a lot of personal pain, and that part isn't as relevant right now.  Thank God.

But what stood out upon re-reading is that even deep in the shitty parts I was just so, so, so happy to be married to him.  My partner of 9 years.  My support system.  My best friend.  And I think that's what marriage is for me.  Being lucky enough to have someone who makes me joyful even when wading around in the nonsense that life can throw.  

On Friday we bought a car, so we are now claiming to be fully adults.  I bring this up here because the insurance agent was recently engaged and asked us if it feels different now that we're married.  Without hesitation we both said "yes, absolutely."  She was decently shocked by our response.  

"Well how long had you been together for?"

"8 years"

"so what's different?"

"Our intention and our vows."

When we decided to get married it was because we wanted to intentionally think about our relationship and how it fits within our community and how we want to move forward together in life.  Apparently I also told the agent that it was a chance for us to renegotiate our relationship.  I don't remember saying this but am assuming that I chose this wording as negotiating tactics were firmly on my mind at the time.  

Kyle + I spent months writing out vows together and we wrote them to be challenging, important and kept.  They are things we deeply considered we wanted to and felt capable of vowing to for our whole lives.  We promised things like when we fight we will treat each other with respect, not that we will never fight.  

I had a chance to see our vows in action early in our marriage.  Kyle had been wanting to change jobs for a long time, and was considering applying for a job that would require a pay cut but would be more interesting to him.  When I caught myself thinking that it would be nice if maybe he could stick at his old job a little longer so we would be in a better financial position, I stopped right away with this thought- "Eva, you vowed you would support him to follow his dreams." When I told him to go for it, I meant it.  As it turns out, life worked out well and he got a way better job than that one, but I got all the brownie points for having been a good wife + partner.  MAJOR WIFE DOUBLE-WIN.  YASSSS to me! 

Anyhow, that conversation got me thinking about that letter I wrote Kyle back in September because I was pretty sure it addressed some of that feeling of change.  I asked him and he says it's ok to share it with you now.

here's a love letter to Kyle from me, on our first anniversary as a married couple.

written when we'd been married for 4 months. 

The last few months have been one of the most magical, thrilling, and wonderful time of my life, because I've been your wife.  Life is crazy and one of the craziest happiest thing that ever happened in my life is meeting this man-clog-wearing, green-hair sporting, Queens of the Stone Age listening 21 year old guy. I never in a million years would have guessed you'd be my classy, handsome, foundation when life got really real.

I fell in love with you 9 summers ago.  It was one of the most fun things I've ever done, and I've been head over heels for you ever since.  

In one of those crazy life twists I fell in love again during our wedding planning.  This time it wasn't as much fun.  It felt heavy with responsibility. 

I am responsible to you now, for your joy.  Our sorrows and our highs are shared now.  It's the most intense and wonderful love I've ever experienced.

[Almost] nothing makes me prouder than to call you my husband.  I'm proud of you in every way- as the man the world gets to experience, and the one that I go to sleep beside, the one who builds me up when I breakdown, and the one who's up to take on life's great adventures with me, whether that be taking a trip around the world or watching the Office for the 900th time.  

Kyle, I love you with all my heart.