How Are You Supposed to Know What to Eat?
In #realtalk yes, I really like having a small waist and having my collar bones pop and that's part of my positive mental health because I like feeling like a babe, and yes, I've kind of bought into the belief that a small waist and popping collar bones are babe-a-licious.
But I also associate those things with being hungry all the time.
And I love eating.
And I hate being really hungry all the time.
I want to be healthy. I want to kick ass in spin class and fit my smaller jeans, and strut and have my body feel like a cucumber-and-quinoa-fuelled-machine. I want my body to look how it's supposed to look (which is what? It's certainly not what I see on TV) and feel like how it should feel (which is what? Is everyone else hungry all the time too?)
I don't like talking about weight.
But I do it anyway. I feel there's a few topics of conversation that happen around me all of the time that I just don't want to engage in. I engage in them anyway. And I do it in private, when it's just me and my thoughts. These conversations are:
Weight + exercise.
The weight and exercise conversation seems to mostly revolve around how we should all feel shitty about how we look all of the time. When my super tiny thin friends tell me they feel fat, and I look at them and think "what must they think of me then?" that sucks [plus they're babes and it makes me sad they can't see it.] And when my gorgeous curvy lady friends tell me they feel gross and fat I think "GD but you're beautiful let's embrace this!" and then tear myself down for the same things, that also sucks. Basically this is a lose-lose conversation, but I want to change it. And figuring out what I should actually eat and actually weigh just might help that.
Here's the thing. I'm really large. And don't start with me about this, I'll write a blog post on why you should let me own my largeness later- but suffice to say, even when I'm really thin, and feel like I'm starving I still have to ask "how big does this come?" at a lot of stores.
There's nothing slight about me, and I tend to be one of the taller women you've met at 5 feet 10 inches. My engagement ring had to be ordered from the States because they don't make them that big here in Canada. I'm large. It's not up for debate.
I just went and checked out the BMI scale* and according to it, when I was the weight I was when I felt light headed and hungry and Kyle made me go to the doctor because he thought I might be actually starving, (but getting so many compliments!) I was just on the inside weight of "healthy" and I've been in the "overweight" part of the scale since I was in first year university. So I don't even know what a good and healthy weight might be for me. I have no idea how much I should weigh - to feel like a babe and feel healthy and strong. Because it's not the healthy weight on the BMI scale.
And yes, I should feel like a babe at whatever weight, love the skin I'm in, but I have certain babe-goals.
*exceptions to be made for body builders and olympic athletes. I am neither of these things.
I fundamentally do not believe in fad diets.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I know your tumeric anti-toxin cleanse, or no carbs and lots of bacon, or all snacks and no meals diet is working for you. But they probably aren't all that healthy....
I took a really cool chemistry class once where we debunked all of the fad diets. You know what it came down to?
But I really like to drink Kumbucha and have been known to have a homemade apple cider vinegar detox shot. Even though I still think that's pretty bullshitty. But eating less and exercising more to what end? How much can you eat and it be "less"? How much more can you exercise and still make it to work on time?
Nutritionists are not Registered Dieticians
I feel like a freaking glowing goddess when I do that.
And yeah, it costs a lot. And I don't care at all.
But there's a reason that nutritionists are not covered by health plans, and that's because they are not necessarily backed up by science. Seriously, Kyle and I just saw an ad for a workshop led by a nutritionist on "Anti-Toxins" and we are very worked up over it. Because. Science. [We both have BScs, and Kyle has an MSc, and we like our science to be backed up by research]
I mean, yes, I'll still buy a juice for it's anti-toxin properties. But I don't think that's the most helpful thing ever. I go to Juice Truck for a special treat ok. I get the Kickstarter: Apple pressed with cucumber, ginger, lemon, & cayenne.
I refuse to give up beer and hot dogs.
Because those are some of the best parts of life.
So what do I do?
I would really like to know how much to eat and how much to weigh. I feel I go between eating until I'm full and just gaining and gaining weight, or feeling really, really, really hungry and losing weight, and I think healthy lies somewhere in between those two things.
I really do want to be healthy, which is different than other people's healthy. Part of healthy for me is feeling good about how I look in pants, and part of it is being able to join my pals in whatever exercise they're doing without being worried I'll literally die, and part is that I can stand up without concern that I'm going to fall over, and part is that a full life for me includes pizza and beer.
The things I've read online are not designed for someone who looks like me, and I think it's time for me to seek out a professional.
Who do you go see?
I want someone who's body-positive, will let me drink beer, understand how passionate I am about cheese, get how hard I'm capable of exercising, understand that I will always have a big butt, understands how I want my jeans to fit, and someone who's covered by my health insurance.