Fuck Yeah vs Fuck You 2016

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reflecting on a really, really, no really big year- 2016 

This year was a really big one.

For pretty much everyone in the world.  John Oliver did a sketch about "Fuck You 2016" and that was way before the end of the year so more shitty stuff happened after that.  It's pretty standard to be hating on 2016.  

Inspirational artists died.  Syrian crisis.  Brexit.  Donald Fucking Trump and All That Hatred.  

Those things had a big impact on me.  I cried the whole day after Trump got elected because it really physically hurts knowing that this person (Trump) who spews blind hatred of so many different people could be looked to as anything other than cosmic joke.  I just can't.  

It's also personally been a really massive year for me.  Some good and some bad and so- 

FUCK YOU 2016

The above mentioned terrible things in the world.

I'm unemployed.

My grandma got diagnosed with cancer (but it's the "good" kind.) And is currently doing pretty well.  Plus the woman is a bad ass warrior like no one's business.***

***MAD IMPORTANT ADDENDUM: FUCK YEAH 2017!  SHE UNDERWENT RADIATION // GOT HER CT SCAN RESULTS BACK // GOT DECLARED CANCER FREE!  

My parents split up after 40 years of being together in the ugliest way possible.  No.  I mean it.  It was FUCKING UGLY.  And while I'm starting to deal better, it's still a little ugly and still quite a lot of difficult to deal with.

FUCK YEAH 2016

I got married.  Damn, actually I got married twice to the same guy whom I've loved for almost 9 years now.  

... which meant I got to throw what is basically the ultimate party - our wedding.  Finally that decade pile-up of Martha Stewart Wedding magazines was put to good use.  

Kyle and I both turned 30- so did all my '86 pals. I really loved being able to say "I'm 30." 

I went on an around-the-world trip and hit my dream destination that had eluded me for years, India.

I've been owning up to the fact that I am creative and therefore am creating with intention.  Added bonus is I made new friends who make their living being creative which has been inspirational + supportive + fun in this new endeavor.

Kyle got his dream job (which while doesn't exactly directly affect me, having a happy partner is always wonderful, and I'm really proud of him.)

I got gifted a surprise Christmas trip to Nicaragua from one of my oldest friends (we met on the cross country running team when I was in Grade 9 and she was in Grade 10.)

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listing up the head to head battle of the hurt and the hope of 2016

fuck yeah vs fuck you 2016

The thing is that most of the good things happened in the first 6 months of the year, and then all the shitty things happened in the last 6 months, so it's hard not to place more weight on the bad as that's most fresh in my mind.  

And besides, it's basically impossible to put appropriate weighting on these things.  How to say which will impact me more, or in what ways?  Does seeing India get more points than cancer?  It makes me way too uncomfortable to even think about it.  

Here's a prime example,

Getting married to Kyle was one of the most wonderful things I've ever done.  It was pure magic to celebrate our love, especially as it brought together people from across all parts of my life and the memory of all those people hanging out loving us is something I get to carry that with me all the time.  K + I wrote our vows together and we got to take really important and serious time to talk about what loving each other forever means.  We tried our best to be realistic about what our vows should be, knowing that life is long and our marriage might end up ending one day.  So we decided to promise things that even if things got really bad or shitty we would be able to stick to, things like loving each other and respecting each other.    

Then a few months later, my parents ended their marriage.  The timing was pretty horrific.  And seeing my parents marriage end like that after all those years, honestly it tore the rug out from under me.  Did they not write the same kind of vows?  I can already see this dissolving of their marriage is changing my view on long term relationships and how they survive.  Before this I "knew" this sort of thing happens, but I now have this hard, personal truth, that even after 40 years your partner can shake you to your core and surprise and hurt you in ways you never thought would be possible.  

I don't know if one thing will impact me more than the other thing. Life is life.  It is made up of highs and lows and teaches us to trust and it teaches us to protect ourselves and it sometimes teaches us nothing, and it sometimes teaches us everything.  This year.  This year has taught me so much.  It taught me so many wonderful things and it taught me so many terrible things.  It was filled with love and hate and hope and hurt, with adventure and tedium.  

I think I live a big and fulfilling life so I'm not going to ask 2017 to take a chill and just give me a basic year.  There's a lot I'm looking forward to and a lot I'm dreading.  I really want to set my heart's intention to be grateful for the lessons and to let the pain of 2016 melt away and hold onto all the joy that I got this year.  Because that's life and I sure do love living it, even when it hurts.